News

PTA’s Coffee Break welcomed Dr. Judy Willis at the Aliso Creek Inn and Golf Course, to speak about the application of neuroscience to practical aspects of child-rearing.  Dr. Willis, clinical neurologist and educator, discussed down-to-earth techniques whose goal is to assist in the development of the critically-important “executive function” of the brain’s prefrontal cortex.  As Dr. Willis unbundled her concepts, the understanding around the room was palpable, and an excitement grew as listeners realized that in simple and easy-to-apply techniques, parents really could make a real difference in unlocking greater brain functioning in children, and their success in facing the new challenges of the 21st century.

Uncharted challenges fill our children’s future.  It is estimated that 50% of “facts” known now will change or be modified within 10 years.  For example, within technology, capacity doubles every 18 months while the cost of delivery drops by half.  An international survey among employers showed that the ability to find and evaluate information is far more valued than the archaic concept of “years of experience.”    The mental tools to adapt to this changing landscape undergo profound development during the late teen years, and with exercise, the functioning of the prefrontal cortex can be strengthened.

The prefrontal cortex is the last part of the human brain to mature, and is the control center of executive functions such as judgment, critical analysis, prioritizing, deduction, induction, imagination, communication, reflective (vs. reactive) emotional control, and goal development, planning and perseverance.  A strong executive function correlates with school success.    “Maturation” is a physiological process where an insulating substance called myelin wraps around the connecting dendrites.  This myelin is thickened through use and leads to greater processing speed, durability and efficiency to the connections.  If these connections are not reinforced through use, they eventually are pruned.  “Neurons are like stem cells” and our brains are capable of building and rebuilding.

These mechanics boil down to one very actionable insight for teachers and parents:  what we ask of the brain has a very direct impact on how it develops and what its capabilities become.   This is where Dr. Willis identified several areas of opportunity for parents wishing to promote such development.

Encourage our children to ask questions!  Dr. Willis lamented the drop from a preschooler’s 100 questions a day to the falling off of questions in middle-schoolers.  When kids stop asking questions, they lose motivation and their engagement drops off.  “They lose interest because they stop asking questions!” according to Dr. Willis.   As parents, we need to promote curiosity and imagination.  “Don’t give answers!”  If a question arises, encourage kids to analyze, predict, and evaluate the situation themselves.  “Remind them what they already know, and plan with them what information they can find themselves.”  Provide “wait time” when the answers aren’t forthcoming.  Dr. Willis admits this feels strange, but this allows a more thoughtful, extended pattern of evaluation and an invitation to explore further.

Remember that decision-making builds judgment.  Invite children into family decisions and allow them to participate in the analysis.  Discuss goals and have them to develop their own approach.  This works well when planning family vacations, or when a large item is being purchased.  Kids could also be allowed to participate in the stock market, and gain experience researching, estimating and assessing their own success or failures.   For older kids, ask them questions within areas of their own interest.
Another opportunity is when a kid declares something “isn’t fair.”  We can ask “why not?”, and suggest that it can be explored.  A letter to the editor can be suggested.  Another technique could be to have them predict the counter-argument to their position, and respond.

We can also help kids “build a template of analysis” by comparing sources of information and introducing the idea of considering the source and any potential bias of the information provided.  For example, two-thirds of people claim they have had a bad experience with online information, yet the vast majority of people continue to trust the internet.  Discuss fact vs. opinion.  Look at TV advertising, tease apart claims in magazine ads, or in flyers.  Our environment is rich with possible opportunities for analysis and judgment.  If your kid feels comfortable with an online source, ask how s/he made that choice, and what characteristics s/he was looking for to feel comfortable about its accuracy.

The exciting news is that we all have a very real impact on the development of our children’s and even our own brains.  Through simple shifts in how we approach decisions in the family, or how our experience with the outside world is discussed can make a difference in our kids’ ability to develop higher brain function.   Moreover, we can enjoy a richer experience of exploring the world with our children, and know that it benefits all.

For more detailed information, a video recording of the morning can be found at GoToCoffeeBreak.com.

Last Wednesday at the Aliso Creek Inn and Golf Course, PTA’s Coffee Break welcomed Meike Lemmens to speak about Thomas Gordon’s Model of communication as it pertains to the relationship between parents and children.   Meike is certified as a trainer in Parent Effectiveness Training, or P.E.T., which has been around since 1962. The original book has been translated into 43 languages.
Despite the fact that PET has been around for 50 years, 75 parents and educators not only listened, but actively participated during a very lively morning.   First, Meike defined behaviors as the primary unit we as parents are trying to influence, and defined them as that which can “be photographed or recorded.”  Audience members offered examples of various behaviors they would like to change and those they would like to reinforce in their children.
Meike then demonstrated the fundamentals of delivering a “Confrontational I-message” which contains an identification of an undesirable behavior and how that impacts the emotional world of the parent.  For example, “I feel it’s unfair if you leave your dishes on the table and I have to clean them up.”    The behavior – the dishes — is irrefutable, as is the way it makes the parent feel.  The elegance of this approach is its simplicity and underlying truthfulness which seeks only to share and not to judge or shame, and invites the child to empathize with their parent and come up with a solution to the problem, in this case to clear the table and help clean up.
Similar communications can also be used to reinforce desirable behaviors: so-called “relationship building I-messages.”  Unlike simple praise, which, as Meike pointed out, can sometimes be received as belittling to the child (“think if your husband said “Good Job” when you emptied the dishwasher”), this kind of I-message actually honors the efforts of the child and reinforces a strong relationship with the parent.  “I feel so proud when I see you helping your sister with her homework.”  Again, it is truthful and clear, and reinforces an atmosphere of respect.
Conflict resolution was another area touched upon.  Rather than working towards a “winner” and “loser” in a conflict, or even a compromise, P.E.T. seeks collaborative problem solving where solutions can be crafted to meet the needs of both parties.  A parent, who needs private time, requires a child to go to bed at 7; the child who needs recreational time wants 9.  The compromise position would be 8, where both parties “lose a little.”  If underlying needs are shared, then the “win-win” solution of the child going to bed at 7 but being able to read or listen to music until 9 would be achieved.
Meike also discussed how active listening can help peel away the layers and create better understanding of what is going on in your children’s world.  This is simply using a technique where parents reflect back what they have heard a child say to facilitate the child “going deeper.”  While this may seem obvious, parents often do offer advice, or make a judgment about what their child may be communicating which essentially cuts off communication.
So once again, Coffee Break brought people together who form a community of caring parents and educators who continuously try to learn more and improve their skills.  Watching and listening to the interactions within the room during the break-out sessions was ample evidence that this is one of the less-tangible but enormous benefits of Coffee Break’s monthly meetings.

PTA’s adult education forum welcomed local psychologist Jerry Weichman this past Wednesday at the Aliso Inn.  Dr. Jerry, author of a teen guide How To Deal, has an active adolescent practice in Newport Beach.  He covered a broad range of topics from his recommended behavioral parenting style, substance abuse, understanding children of the internet age, communications and included very practical tips.

The vast majority of today’s teens are navigating in a world where everyone else seems to be “living the life,” and there is a nagging feeling “there is something really wrong with me.”  High school operates like a caste system where kids are concerned about personal presentation and managing their social stock.  Bullying may increase stress levels, as does the presence of “helicopter” or “tiger” moms. “Substance abuse is rampant in our community.”  Kids often either flip-out or “flip-in” through psychosomatic illness or self-mutilation.

Often, parents aren’t prepared for what Dr. Jerry calls “The Switch,” when kids no longer want to do their chores and think their parents stink.  “Parents become intimidated at this stage, and often take the short-term gain by not holding their kids accountable.”  A key to maintaining self-control as parents is to see the kids for who they are:  “special needs kids in your home” instead of raging teens.  “Be a parent, not a friend.”  Kids aren’t ready to be adults; keeping them low in the power hierarchy reduces their stress.

Dr. Jerry recommends parents “bring the real world into the home.”  If kids are acclimated to the way real-world responsibilities and consequences work at home, they become inoculated for life.  This is “behavioral parenting.” “Be like a cop, who stays calm, gives tickets and moves on.”    The “ticket” is a clean-sweep of all privileges: cell phones, computer, tv, music, going-out.  Enforce for small increments of time (a day); anything longer impedes effectiveness.  Human behavior is shaped by tangible consequences in consistent repetitions.
Dr. Jerry warns against too much dialog as “kids are good at manipulation.”  If your kid’s voice starts to rise, drop yours to a whisper, continue for 30 seconds, then take a break.   Be sure to re-approach after tempers have cooled so as not to lose the point.  Always use a positive statement of what you value in your kid first, before you calmly deliver your statement.  “I like the way you have stepped up your studying and improved your grades but I will not tolerate disrespect.”    Don’t engage in chatter or respond to complaints of “that’s not fair.”

Suicidal talk is “a huge red flag.”  Statistically, there are three ‘hints’ before an actual attempt.  If your teen talks about suicide, bring them to either the local emergency room or to UCI’s adolescent ward in Orange.  Once they have gone through the process of how the outside world handles suicidal talk, they understand not to use it to manipulate.

Behavioral parenting doesn’t yield results right away.  Often it gets worse before it gets better.  It is important to reinforce on-track behavior, but avoid the temptation to set the bar too low or to praise in an overly hysterical manner.  “Thanks for stepping up and being more mature” is adequate.
Create a system at home where it is expected that you have to work before you play.  Enforce it.  Remember “school is not a long day.”  Don’t listen to the whining.  “If your kids express that they hate you, you are probably doing a great job.”

Dr. Jerry spoke at length on substance abuse.  The presence of substances and the pressure toward trial begins between 7th and 9th grades.  Kids constantly hear about weekend use in school and become desensitized to the taboo inculcated in grade school.  Marijuana and alcohol are gateway drugs, and kids often perceive their use as raising their social “stock” as party kids.  Some high school kids carry around water bottles filled with vodka.  Vicodin, Oxycodone, cocaine are next steps, and smoke-able black-tar heroin becomes a more reasonably-priced alternative once habits are entrenched.  Even cigarettes have become “PC” again.

The risks are huge.  Because of the stage of adolescents’ brain development they run a much higher risk for addiction:  47% of 14-year-old users will develop lifetime addiction vs. 24% for 17-year-olds vs. 9% for 20 year-olds.  This is because the powerful release of dopamine actually changes brain chemistry.  Obviously, the longer kids can prevent exposure the better.    There are other  risks beyond addiction: depression, anxiety, physical brain shrinkage, molestation and rape to name a few.

Parents are often unaware because kids are so clever in hiding use through changes of clothes, breath-mints and showering.  In fact, smoking with the shower running is one of the most effective ways to mask the smell of marijuana. However, in 14 years of practice, Dr. Jerry has never once seen a mother’s intuition to be wrong.  Mother’s: tune up your radar.

“Pills are huge.”  Dr. Jerry recommends getting a lock-box for prescriptions, and suggests booby-trapping the medicine cabinet with marbles as many kids who come over use the bathroom and steal prescription meds, which they can sell for up to $50 a pill.  Also unequivocal: NO SLEEPOVERS; “Good things don’t happen.”
“There is a huge legal liability in allowing partying in the home.”  Because kids can’t moderate their behavior (“they have no yellow light, only red and green”), there must be a zero-tolerance for drug and alcohol use in the home.  Never tell younger kids about your own substance abuse history.  They see this as a “huge green light”.  He recommends instating “as a rite of passage” random drug-testing at the 8th grade level.  If the kid protests, “Don’t you trust me?” answer “this is how we establish trust.”  Sell the added benefit of preventing random searches.
As kids reach the twelfth grade, Dr. Jerry recommends quietly relaxing the random testing.  Kids need to begin to internalize their own controls before they are away at college.  Maintain four expectations:  1.  tell where you are, 2. respond to texts, 3. come home on-time and 4. come home sober.
Dr. Jerry emphasized the importance of communication, particularly how we as parents have the power help our kids decide who they are.  Self-fulfilling prophecy exists and parents can say “I see you doing x, working, being successful” until it becomes a part of our kids.  It’s important to stay away from negative prophesying to avoid planting seeds for poor outcomes.
Dr. Jerry spoke at length on bullying.  It’s detrimental; it’s effects last a lifetime, and it can cause suicide.  There are many causes for bullying.  Kids engage to raise their social stock and to experiment with identity.  It can spread like a virus through a community.  It is defined as behavior which is deliberate, repeated, where there is power-in-balance. It takes many forms: physical, verbal, or cyber.  For kids experiencing bullying, Dr. Jerry offers two solutions.  First, see the bully for who they are.  Often, understanding what’s going on for the bully helps one rise above it.  Also, offer the concept of Karma; what-goes-around-comes-around comforts the sufferers.  This helps kids to “get that quiet confidence which becomes a power position.”  “If you need to bully me, it’s your loss; I feel sorry for you.”  Also, the very act of smiling will make a kid feel better (it’s brain chemistry-based).  Also, it communicates to the bully “it’s not working.”  Remind kids that life has peaks and valleys and it’s important to be an emotional fighter and not give up.
Dr. Jerry Weichman touched on many other topics close to the hearts of parents and educators of our District.  He fielded many questions and stayed late to talk further.   A link to a video recording can be found on the GoToCoffeeBreak.com website.