Uncharted challenges fill our children’s future.  It is estimated that 50% of “facts” known now will change or be modified within 10 years.  For example, within technology, capacity doubles every 18 months while the cost of delivery drops by half.  An international survey among employers showed that the ability to find and evaluate information is far more valued than the archaic concept of “years of experience.”    The mental tools to adapt to this changing landscape undergo profound development during the late teen years, and with exercise, the functioning of the prefrontal cortex can be strengthened.

The prefrontal cortex is the last part of the human brain to mature, and is the control center of executive functions such as judgment, critical analysis, prioritizing, deduction, induction, imagination, communication, reflective (vs. reactive) emotional control, and goal development, planning and perseverance.  A strong executive function correlates with school success.    “Maturation” is a physiological process where an insulating substance called myelin wraps around the connecting dendrites.  This myelin is thickened through use and leads to greater processing speed, durability and efficiency to the connections.  If these connections are not reinforced through use, they eventually are pruned.  “Neurons are like stem cells” and our brains are capable of building and rebuilding.

These mechanics boil down to one very actionable insight for teachers and parents:  what we ask of the brain has a very direct impact on how it develops and what its capabilities become.   This is where Dr. Willis identified several areas of opportunity for parents wishing to promote such development.

Encourage our children to ask questions!  Dr. Willis lamented the drop from a preschooler’s 100 questions a day to the falling off of questions in middle-schoolers.  When kids stop asking questions, they lose motivation and their engagement drops off.  “They lose interest because they stop asking questions!” according to Dr. Willis.   As parents, we need to promote curiosity and imagination.  “Don’t give answers!”  If a question arises, encourage kids to analyze, predict, and evaluate the situation themselves.  “Remind them what they already know, and plan with them what information they can find themselves.”  Provide “wait time” when the answers aren’t forthcoming.  Dr. Willis admits this feels strange, but this allows a more thoughtful, extended pattern of evaluation and an invitation to explore further.

Remember that decision-making builds judgment.  Invite children into family decisions and allow them to participate in the analysis.  Discuss goals and have them to develop their own approach.  This works well when planning family vacations, or when a large item is being purchased.  Kids could also be allowed to participate in the stock market, and gain experience researching, estimating and assessing their own success or failures.   For older kids, ask them questions within areas of their own interest.
Another opportunity is when a kid declares something “isn’t fair.”  We can ask “why not?”, and suggest that it can be explored.  A letter to the editor can be suggested.  Another technique could be to have them predict the counter-argument to their position, and respond.

We can also help kids “build a template of analysis” by comparing sources of information and introducing the idea of considering the source and any potential bias of the information provided.  For example, two-thirds of people claim they have had a bad experience with online information, yet the vast majority of people continue to trust the internet.  Discuss fact vs. opinion.  Look at TV advertising, tease apart claims in magazine ads, or in flyers.  Our environment is rich with possible opportunities for analysis and judgment.  If your kid feels comfortable with an online source, ask how s/he made that choice, and what characteristics s/he was looking for to feel comfortable about its accuracy.

The exciting news is that we all have a very real impact on the development of our children’s and even our own brains.  Through simple shifts in how we approach decisions in the family, or how our experience with the outside world is discussed can make a difference in our kids’ ability to develop higher brain function.   Moreover, we can enjoy a richer experience of exploring the world with our children, and know that it benefits all.

For more detailed information, a video recording of the morning can be found at GoToCoffeeBreak.com.

The vast majority of today’s teens are navigating in a world where everyone else seems to be “living the life,” and there is a nagging feeling “there is something really wrong with me.”  High school operates like a caste system where kids are concerned about personal presentation and managing their social stock.  Bullying may increase stress levels, as does the presence of “helicopter” or “tiger” moms. “Substance abuse is rampant in our community.”  Kids often either flip-out or “flip-in” through psychosomatic illness or self-mutilation.

Often, parents aren’t prepared for what Dr. Jerry calls “The Switch,” when kids no longer want to do their chores and think their parents stink.  “Parents become intimidated at this stage, and often take the short-term gain by not holding their kids accountable.”  A key to maintaining self-control as parents is to see the kids for who they are:  “special needs kids in your home” instead of raging teens.  “Be a parent, not a friend.”  Kids aren’t ready to be adults; keeping them low in the power hierarchy reduces their stress.

Dr. Jerry recommends parents “bring the real world into the home.”  If kids are acclimated to the way real-world responsibilities and consequences work at home, they become inoculated for life.  This is “behavioral parenting.” “Be like a cop, who stays calm, gives tickets and moves on.”    The “ticket” is a clean-sweep of all privileges: cell phones, computer, tv, music, going-out.  Enforce for small increments of time (a day); anything longer impedes effectiveness.  Human behavior is shaped by tangible consequences in consistent repetitions.
Dr. Jerry warns against too much dialog as “kids are good at manipulation.”  If your kid’s voice starts to rise, drop yours to a whisper, continue for 30 seconds, then take a break.   Be sure to re-approach after tempers have cooled so as not to lose the point.  Always use a positive statement of what you value in your kid first, before you calmly deliver your statement.  “I like the way you have stepped up your studying and improved your grades but I will not tolerate disrespect.”    Don’t engage in chatter or respond to complaints of “that’s not fair.”

Suicidal talk is “a huge red flag.”  Statistically, there are three ‘hints’ before an actual attempt.  If your teen talks about suicide, bring them to either the local emergency room or to UCI’s adolescent ward in Orange.  Once they have gone through the process of how the outside world handles suicidal talk, they understand not to use it to manipulate.

Behavioral parenting doesn’t yield results right away.  Often it gets worse before it gets better.  It is important to reinforce on-track behavior, but avoid the temptation to set the bar too low or to praise in an overly hysterical manner.  “Thanks for stepping up and being more mature” is adequate.
Create a system at home where it is expected that you have to work before you play.  Enforce it.  Remember “school is not a long day.”  Don’t listen to the whining.  “If your kids express that they hate you, you are probably doing a great job.”

Dr. Jerry spoke at length on substance abuse.  The presence of substances and the pressure toward trial begins between 7th and 9th grades.  Kids constantly hear about weekend use in school and become desensitized to the taboo inculcated in grade school.  Marijuana and alcohol are gateway drugs, and kids often perceive their use as raising their social “stock” as party kids.  Some high school kids carry around water bottles filled with vodka.  Vicodin, Oxycodone, cocaine are next steps, and smoke-able black-tar heroin becomes a more reasonably-priced alternative once habits are entrenched.  Even cigarettes have become “PC” again.

The risks are huge.  Because of the stage of adolescents’ brain development they run a much higher risk for addiction:  47% of 14-year-old users will develop lifetime addiction vs. 24% for 17-year-olds vs. 9% for 20 year-olds.  This is because the powerful release of dopamine actually changes brain chemistry.  Obviously, the longer kids can prevent exposure the better.    There are other  risks beyond addiction: depression, anxiety, physical brain shrinkage, molestation and rape to name a few.

Parents are often unaware because kids are so clever in hiding use through changes of clothes, breath-mints and showering.  In fact, smoking with the shower running is one of the most effective ways to mask the smell of marijuana. However, in 14 years of practice, Dr. Jerry has never once seen a mother’s intuition to be wrong.  Mother’s: tune up your radar.

“Pills are huge.”  Dr. Jerry recommends getting a lock-box for prescriptions, and suggests booby-trapping the medicine cabinet with marbles as many kids who come over use the bathroom and steal prescription meds, which they can sell for up to $50 a pill.  Also unequivocal: NO SLEEPOVERS; “Good things don’t happen.”
“There is a huge legal liability in allowing partying in the home.”  Because kids can’t moderate their behavior (“they have no yellow light, only red and green”), there must be a zero-tolerance for drug and alcohol use in the home.  Never tell younger kids about your own substance abuse history.  They see this as a “huge green light”.  He recommends instating “as a rite of passage” random drug-testing at the 8th grade level.  If the kid protests, “Don’t you trust me?” answer “this is how we establish trust.”  Sell the added benefit of preventing random searches.
As kids reach the twelfth grade, Dr. Jerry recommends quietly relaxing the random testing.  Kids need to begin to internalize their own controls before they are away at college.  Maintain four expectations:  1.  tell where you are, 2. respond to texts, 3. come home on-time and 4. come home sober.
Dr. Jerry emphasized the importance of communication, particularly how we as parents have the power help our kids decide who they are.  Self-fulfilling prophecy exists and parents can say “I see you doing x, working, being successful” until it becomes a part of our kids.  It’s important to stay away from negative prophesying to avoid planting seeds for poor outcomes.
Dr. Jerry spoke at length on bullying.  It’s detrimental; it’s effects last a lifetime, and it can cause suicide.  There are many causes for bullying.  Kids engage to raise their social stock and to experiment with identity.  It can spread like a virus through a community.  It is defined as behavior which is deliberate, repeated, where there is power-in-balance. It takes many forms: physical, verbal, or cyber.  For kids experiencing bullying, Dr. Jerry offers two solutions.  First, see the bully for who they are.  Often, understanding what’s going on for the bully helps one rise above it.  Also, offer the concept of Karma; what-goes-around-comes-around comforts the sufferers.  This helps kids to “get that quiet confidence which becomes a power position.”  “If you need to bully me, it’s your loss; I feel sorry for you.”  Also, the very act of smiling will make a kid feel better (it’s brain chemistry-based).  Also, it communicates to the bully “it’s not working.”  Remind kids that life has peaks and valleys and it’s important to be an emotional fighter and not give up.
Dr. Jerry Weichman touched on many other topics close to the hearts of parents and educators of our District.  He fielded many questions and stayed late to talk further.   A link to a video recording can be found on the GoToCoffeeBreak.com website.

Before the speaker, High School Principal Dr. Culverhouse introduced NAVIANCE, the brand-new online college search service provided at the High School. Naviance is a comprehensive tool helping each student through the entire process of self-exploration, career exploration and searching among nearly 4,000 colleges in the U.S. Yet, as parents were sighing over “Naviance,” Ms. Muchnick launched into her own divergent philosophy: when in high school, stay focused on the business of high school! Ms. Muchnick warned that the college search can become a “huge distraction.” She emphasized that one’s high school years are the hardest four, but that college is the prize, where all the hard work is converted into personal freedom to pursue passions.

Her entire approach is that high school is a student’s “job,” and it is the student’s responsibility to serve the interests of 6-8 bosses (teachers). Success should not be gauged by GPA as much as the more subjective goal of how one is doing at the job. Often parents who are competing through their children and pressing for the highest GPA’s are adding unnecessary and unproductive stress to their kids’ lives.

From the perspective of a college admissions counselor, Ms. Muchnick stated unequivocally that the transcript IS the single most important piece of paper in a college application. However, what is evaluated is far more nuanced that the GPA. First, the transcript is analyzed to see if the student really challenged him/herself in areas of interest. Second the Grade Pattern (semester to semester) is examined to see if students continue to work toward improving performance throughout the year, and finally the Grade Trend evaluates the trends through freshman to sophomore to junior year. Knowing this enables parents to frame conversations with their students in terms of trying to improve, whether in the year or from year to year.

Her specific recommendations for parental support:

Contract with your kids to sit in the first 3 rows of class “FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.” Multiple studies have shown that teacher’s focus on this area, and it is a way to jump-start the relationship between teacher and student.
Extra credit is “free money.” Don’t leave it on the table.
Create a study space at home which is free from the multiple distractions of ear-buds, internet and cell phone. Unnecessary distractions actually expand the time required to do homework.
“Teachers are people too.” Challenge kids to develop relationships with their teachers outside of class, e.g. show up at SDL on Thursdays, or say “hi” in the hall. One has only one chance to make a first impression, yet it’s never too late to recreate self. It’s documented that kids identities change fluidly throughout the high school years.
Befriend the upper classmen; learn the ropes through their experience
Be a joiner or a leader. Parents can help brain-storm club ideas. One Laguna student had an obsession with Etch-A-Sketch, turned it into a club, then into a philanthropic mission and finally a killer college essay.
For serious athletes, back off one practice a week, to provide your child that extra 2-3 hour “gift of sanity”. Use an academic explanation with upset coaches. Have kids handle it.
Get a job, to avoid an entitled, indulged attitude “especially important in our zip code”. The job should be for money, require an application and be typical student work. It shouldn’t be working for family or friends, or be boring, like clerking, e.g., develop a Star Wars Camp in the summer. Work is also valued by colleges.
Volunteer doing something you love, like teaching kids in the neighborhood. Often, volunteer work leads to an actual paying job.
Spend summers wisely. This is evaluated by colleges. See Camps.com which is actually “yelped” by kids.
Find and pursue passions; be honest whether passion is kids or parents.

Cindy concluded that it is important not to sweat the small stuff, be realistic, supportive and non-judgmental. Her demonstrated stance as an advocate and supporter felt like a reasonable, useful and attainable goal among the parents in the room.

LAGUNA BEACH PTA PARENT EDUCATION IS BACK!
we invite you to come and
meet your leaders

A new school year is upon us.
New year, new leaders, new goals!
Come and hear about our district’s plan to:
VALIDATE AND ELEVATE
Hear a review of the last school year, about the commitment
to maintain focus on the core business of education
and learning, and a plan to elevate efforts
to ensure continued student growth and
achievement by using best practices.

WEDNESDAY
SEPT. 19, 2012
8:30 – 10:15 a.m.
Aliso Creek Inn
& Golf Course
SUGGESTED donation:
$10 at the door

We thought 18 years of bringing educational speakers to our community was worth celebrating & since we love Tyler’s insightful humor we thought he would be the perfect one to celebrate with!

Like to laugh? Join us!

Tickets are $35 each

Coffee and bite sized desserts will be served along with Tyler’s bite sized wisdom.

For tickets email Debbie Christian

Proceeds fund future Coffee Break Speakers

Last Wednesday, parents got a fresh new way to approach their parenting goals in teaching children to form a thoughtful and healthy relationship with money.  Viki Hoefle, Adlerian therapist, mother of five and creator of Parenting On Track (parentingontrack.com), delighted all present with her down-to-earth, proven method of teaching kids how to spend, save and give away their money.

Viki’s system is elegant in simplicity and profound in impact.  As soon as a child is old enough not to put money in their mouth, she gives “a dollar for each year” each week.  That would be four dollars for the four-year-old, ten for those aged 10 and so on.   In her family, cash distribution happens at a Sunday morning family meeting, and of course helps encourage family attendance.  At age 12, she halves the amount as that is the time the child can start earning money doing things outside the home (walking dogs, watching the cat, etc.).   At 14, the weekly stipend is completely eliminated.    By that time the desire and experience of having money have been firmly established and kids show themselves to be enormously resourceful when the funds are cut off.

Viki emphasized the importance of giving kids their allotted money with no strings attached.  It is for the child to determine what they want to do with it entirely.  “At first, they’ll give it away to their friends,” then buy too much candy, but eventually they become quite discriminating in what they purchase.   When her eldest daughter wanted to go buy a Coach bag in which to keep her new money, Viki’s cheerful response was “OK!”  Only in the store did it become apparent that the Coach bag would require probably years of savings.  (Mom had remained cheerful and mute, on the sidelines.)  The kid, on her own, requested a trip to TJMaxx to pick up a cheaper wallet.  Mom hadn’t lectured or fought, or tried to control the situation in any way, yet the kid eventually figured out the unspoken lesson.

Viki has some additional guidelines.   A child should never be paid for chores done in the home, (exception: babysitting).  We can’t be both parents and employers.  As parents, we should never deny a child the opportunity to pay for, say, a dinner out.  It gives joy to give and reinforces the child’s self-esteem, resiliency and commitment to the community.   Also, the money shouldn’t be “attached” grades or other behaviors or accomplishments.

As far as giving money away, Viki encourages parents to talk about the charities they are involved in supporting and why.  Ask the kids if there is anything they are interested in supporting, and make some likely suggestions (e.g. animals).  She shared how after her daughter decided to help animals, she would bring her down to the humane society each week for her to give a dollar of her own money.

Each tiny experience the children have with their own money is part of a subtle yet powerful learning process.  Allow them to forget to bring their money, lose their money, give it to their siblings or anything else they want to do with it.  (Viki’s one exception is that she won’t allow the kids to bring any “isms” into the house.)   If parents get involved it disrupts this learning process.   She emphasized not to loan them money if they forget to bring it, and never to lecture them on their purchases.

Parents present sensed the playfulness in this simple approach of letting kids practice with small amounts of money and develop a sense of its true value.  A finite amount of money helps a kid prioritize what is of value to them, and thus helps them discover themselves.   Viki’s eldest daughter is a fashionista, for whom it is well worth the additional money required to get the precise brand, shoe, bag or what-have-you.  She uses her value system, not Mom’s.  Another kid didn’t even want to spend any of his funds on a wallet, but would bring his money into stores in a greasy, worn envelope, and would proudly count-out, one-by-one, his purchase amount sometimes to the consternation of the cashier.  This same child showed great interest in investing and convinced his parents to let him experiment with a fund.  He took the entire family of seven on an international vacation with the gains.

Each child gets to that great beyond, what Viki calls the “18 to 80” segment of one’s life, with a sense of the true value of money, confidence in one’s ability to manage it, and understanding of what money can and cannot do, how difficult it is to make and how easy to spend, the difference between “want” and “need,” and finally develop a strong work ethic and appreciation of the life we as their parents provide.

During question-and-answer, one parent voiced the concern of many:  How can we ask our kids to do homework, sports, be involved in community-service, scouts, church-groups and other extra-curricular activities and still ask them to earn money?  Viki was clear that learning to balance one’s life between competing enterprises is part of life.  She referenced research that shows that today’s college graduates are typically low-functioning in areas of budgeting, time management, and organization.  Learning to balance competing interests is in the kids best interest overall, now and forever!